Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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