Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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