i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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