Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
