I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I wish you could order shots online.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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