8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
