Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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