Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
