Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I cut my penus on the lid.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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