Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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