She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
