How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
