why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
