I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
