i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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