You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
