I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
