i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
