They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
