hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
