I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I don't deserve a penis
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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