your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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