You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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