Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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