WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
