I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
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He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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