this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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