I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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