I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
