Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
