I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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