After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i believe in u and ur pee
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