Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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