Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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