Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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