I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
