Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
