shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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