Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
