You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
