there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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