Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
