if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
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Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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