Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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