maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
