We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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