he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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