Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
