It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
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I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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