I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
