He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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