Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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