Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
