I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
