forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
