The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
