Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
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He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
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