Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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