I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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